Beyond Romance: The Missing Element in Modern Relationships

Apr 6, 2025 - 09:58 Updated: Apr 5, 2025 - 18:50

Beyond Romance: The Missing Element in Modern Relationships

Nearly a third of marriages end in divorce. What’s going on?

Movies, pop songs, and social media often portray romantic love and physical attraction as the keys to a happily-ever-after.

However, research suggests that deeper factors play a crucial role in sustaining long-term partnerships. Studies have found that shared spirituality and regarding marriage as sacred are linked to higher well-being, better communication, and increased relationship satisfaction.

Is Dating Harder Than It Used to Be?

Modern relationships can take many forms. Societal norms around dating, intimacy, and commitment have changed over time—with nearly one-third of marriages in the United States now ending in divorce—leaving many to navigate a landscape that feels uncertain.

Some celebrate this trend toward non-traditional relationships without long-term intent, embracing the flexibility they provide. Yet, research suggests that for many, these experiences can be emotionally complex, sometimes leading to distress or unfulfilled expectations.

Nearly half of American adults think dating is harder than it used to be, according to a 2020 Pew Research Center report. The rise of “situationships”—relationships that exist in a gray area between casual and committed—reflects this complexity. In fact, Tinder’s 2022 Year in Swipe reported a 49 percent increase in members adding the term to their bios, signaling their preference for ambiguity.

Uncommitted intimate encounters have largely replaced traditional courtship, their rise normalized by the influence of popular culture and pornography consumption.

A survey published in Review of General Psychology found that 60 to 80 percent of North American college students have had a casual intimate encounter, while 70 percent of romantically involved people from 12 to 21 reported engaging in intimacy without commitment.

Yet, beneath these trends lingers an undercurrent of longing. The same survey found that 65 percent of women and 45 percent of men secretly hoped their casual encounters would develop into something deeper and lasting.

This is where spirituality enters the picture, offering something countercultural: a stable foundation for meaning, trust, and long-term fulfillment.

Cultivate Spiritual Love First

Spiritual love—a transcendent, unconditional, and selfless form of love believed to flow both from the divine to humanity and vice-versa—has long captivated the human psyche.

It is characterized by qualities such as infinite compassion, harmony, and unwavering commitment to the well-being of others, and it’s not a rare occurrence. According to a 2025 Pew Research Center report, 40 percent of Americans feel a deep sense of spiritual peace at least once a week.

David Dollahite, professor of family life at Brigham Young University (BYU) with a doctorate in family studies from the University of Minnesota, told The Epoch Times that his research reports that those who believe in, love, commune with, and serve God often have “an array of healing spiritual experiences that range from small moments to remarkable ones” wherein they feel God’s love, grace, forgiveness, and guidance.

He shared the transformation story of a man whose behavior was causing harm to his family. One night, while involved in drugs and alcohol, he heard a voice urging him to leave the situation three times. As he decided to acknowledge God’s guidance and take action, things fell into place, and his marriage began to heal.

Dollahite encourages young people to develop their spirituality before finding a life partner. By cultivating a spiritual relationship with God first—one in which you feel centered, at peace, loved, and positive self-worth—you are less likely to enter a relationship from a place of spiritual emptiness, confusion, or need, he said.

A Sacred Marriage Is a Healthy Marriage

Dollahite’s research has found that when couples and families share sacred meaning and believe their lives mean more than simply inhabiting the physical world, their love and devotion deepen over time.

Krystal Hernandez-Kane, a licensed psychologist with a doctorate in clinical psychology from Bowling Green State University, is an expert in the relationship between spirituality and marital intimacy.

“Sanctification is defined as the perception that an aspect of life has divine character and significance,” Hernandez-Kane told The Epoch Times in an interview.

If a couple wants to integrate spirituality into their marriage, she said, they may consider a range of activities, including studying sacred text, engaging in prayer, or attending religious services together.

“When a person holds a relationship as sanctified, they are generally more likely to want to protect and preserve that relationship, to invest in that relationship, and devote more time and energy into nurturing that relationship,” said Hernandez-Kane.

This sanctification leads to better communication, relationship satisfaction, forgiveness, problem-solving when faced with conflict, and overall commitment, she said.

The evidence shows this. When Hernandez-Kane studied newlyweds, she found that relationships sanctified early in the marriage predicted greater marital satisfaction and intimacy one year later.

The benefits go beyond psychological well-being, with other research showing that happy marriages lead to lower mortality rates and increased longevity.

Sacred Intimacy

The American Families of Faith Project, a national research project co-directed by Dollahite, conducted in-depth interviews with more than 300 married couples from 33 states and found that about 20 percent of those interviewed had been married before.

Many shared that their first marriage lacked a religious foundation, focusing more on physical attraction and romance, which eventually faded, leading to unresolved conflicts and grief.

Before their second marriage, they chose to deepen their own faith first before marrying someone with a similar commitment to spiritual growth. Those couples remarked on the difference it made to have the spiritual element in their second marriage.

Dollahite’s and Hernandez-Kane’s insights are reflected in Luís Novaes’ spiritual transformation and second marriage. Originally from Brazil, 43-year-old Novaes, now working in business and finance management in New York, told The Epoch Times that from 18 to 22, he was consumed by lust, which led him into a deep depression.

“I cried out to God many times … I desperately searched for a way out,” said Novaes.

After much pain and suffering, he took up a spiritual practice in 2006. Sharing about his first marriage, which ended in divorce, Novaes said, “That relationship was based on lust,” despite efforts to elevate it to the level of sanctification.

Novaes thought that if he were to marry again, he would want his wife to share in his spiritual beliefs and practice. He said that his second wife has been a blessing because, from the beginning, their marriage was based on mutual spiritual growth.

Transformation came through deep spiritual refinement, Novaes said: “That’s why faith in the Divine—whether in God, Buddhas, or higher beings—is crucial in the process of overcoming lust.” He suggests that people pray often, practice self-reflection, and engage in spirituality.

Growing Through Adversity and Shared Purpose

Dollahite, a professor of family life at BYU, noted that religious couples have additional sets of resources, shared sanctifications, and meaning that can make a notable difference when times get tough.

A 2023 study published in Marriage & Family Review found that families who increased or maintained their spiritual practices during the COVID-19 pandemic reported higher family closeness and perceived the pandemic as having positive long-term effects on their relationships.

The findings suggest that therapists and counselors may benefit from integrating spiritual practices into relationship guidance, particularly for couples aspiring to deeper emotional intimacy.

Additionally, the study aligns with the broader concept of post-traumatic growth, illustrating how adversity, when met with spiritual engagement, can cultivate positive transformations in relationships.

Viewed from a spiritual perspective, adversity becomes an asset—an opportunity rife with growth potential.

Oriented Upward Together

Dollahite described the image of a triangle in which husband and wife are horizontally in a relationship with each other while also in a vertical relationship with God.

Novaes similarly emphasizes that true love is built on devotion, trust, valuing virtues, and understanding, which leads to unconditional support and growth. “I [once] thought that love was based on passion, enjoyment, and fulfillment of desires, but that is exactly what destroyed my previous relationships and others around me,” he said.

“[Marriage] can be difficult … But when you take a step back and see how much you’ve achieved together, it becomes something truly magical.”