Don’t Wait to Forgive: Why Holding a Grudge Costs You More Than You Think

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The Quiet Cost of Waiting

Almost everyone knows the feeling. A friend, a sibling or a parent has hurt us, and the silence drags on. Often we already suspect that we will make peace in the end, but we keep postponing the first step.

Meanwhile, the body pays a price. According to Karen Swartz, M.D., of the Johns Hopkins Hospital, chronic anger puts the body into "fight-or-flight" mode. This changes heart rate, blood pressure and the immune response.

People who hold on to grudges are also more likely to develop severe depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), Johns Hopkins reports.

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What the Research Shows

Johns Hopkins Medicine lists several health benefits tied to forgiving others. They include lower blood pressure and less anxiety, depression and stress. The connection between forgiveness and health also appears to grow stronger with age.

The largest study so far came from researchers at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. They followed nearly 4,600 adults in five countries: Colombia, Hong Kong, Indonesia, South Africa and Ukraine. All of them had been hurt by another person.

Participants who completed a self-guided forgiveness workbook reported fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety after just two weeks. They were compared with a group that had not yet received the workbook.

Harvard epidemiologist Tyler VanderWeele calls forgiveness a matter of public health. In his view, being wronged is so common that the need to forgive is common too.

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What Forgiveness Is—and Is Not

Many people hesitate because they fear forgiving means letting someone off the hook. The researchers see it differently.

VanderWeele defines forgiveness as replacing ill will toward an offender with goodwill. He stresses that it does not mean approving of the harmful act or giving up on justice.

It also does not mean pushing the pain aside. The workbook used in the Harvard study encouraged participants to recall their hurt feelings rather than suppress them. It also asked them to try to see the situation from the other person's side.

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Why It Gets Harder the Longer You Wait

Scientists point to one mental trap in particular. In a Harvard discussion, experts described angry rumination (replaying the hurt over and over) as a major obstacle to forgiving.

The longer a conflict goes unresolved, the more time the mind has to circle around it. Johns Hopkins also notes that forgiveness is a choice. It may come more naturally to some people, but everyone can learn it.

Experts also point out that other people are watching. Children and grandchildren learn from how the adults around them handle conflict.

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What You Can Do Today

The research suggests a few simple steps:

• Acknowledge the hurt. Don't pretend it didn't happen.
• Try to understand the other person's perspective. This is not the same as agreeing with them.
• Make the first move. The other person's reaction is out of your hands, but your own step is not.
• Be patient with yourself. Johns Hopkins stresses that forgiving yourself is part of the process too.

Forgiveness may also help in deeper wounds. Retired military doctor Dr. Rudd called it critical to recovery from trauma, especially for veterans, as Fox News reported.

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Outlook

Researchers are still working out exactly how forgiveness affects the body. VanderWeele says the evidence is strongest for better mental health. The physical benefits are still being studied.

The practical message is simple: if you already know you will forgive someone someday, there is little reason to wait.

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Sources

1. Johns Hopkins Medicine – "Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It" (updated July 6, 2026): https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
2. Harvard Health Publishing – "Not just good for the soul": https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/not-just-good-for-the-soul
3. Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health – "Forgiveness, mental health, well-being": https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/forgiveness-mental-health-well-being/
4. Fox News – "Forgiveness could lead to better mental health, Harvard study reveals": https://www.foxnews.com/health/forgiveness-lead-better-mental-health-harvard-study-reveals
5. Harvard Gazette – "Harvard Thinking: Forgiving what you can't forget": https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2024/04/forgiveness-is-good-for-us-why-is-it-so-difficult/
6. Templeton Foundation – "The best form of self-interest": https://www.templeton.org/news/the-best-form-of-self-interest

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